Sunday, February 11, 2018

Fifty Shades Freed Review

     So here we go again, one last terrible f*cking time. Now, if you don't know me very well, you might not know my utter disdain for the "Fifty Shades" franchise. "Fifty Shades of Grey" was released back in 2015, and while it wasn't the worst movie of the year it certainly ranked somewhere near it. The only "redeemable" factor of the movie was that I felt like the director tried her best to make it work, unfortunately for her there was too little to salvage. Two years later we got the sequel, "Fifty Shades Darker," which was my choice for the worst movie of 2017. With the sequel, there were no redeemable qualities. Horrendous performances, cringy writing, subplots that lead nowhere, no chemistry between the actors playing forgettable characters, and I don't even feel the director tried. "Fifty Shades Darker" is one of the worst films I've ever seen, and I hope to never see it again. Unfortunately, when it comes to the series as a whole, I've come this far so I might as well finish what I started. Now in 2018 we get the final chapter of the "Fifty Shades" series, "Fifty Shades Freed." I'll go ahead and cut to the chase, it's bad. It’ll be in consideration for one of the worst movies of the year. I'll get into detail why, but I thought I'd save you the effort. Now sit back, relax, and read my words on why this movie sucks.
     "Fifty Shades Free" picks up shortly after the events of its predecessor. The two main characters, Christian and Anastasia, are getting married and are ready to start their lives together. But their honeymoon is cut short when there a fire caused by arson breaks out at Christian’s company. The two head home to Seattle, and are confronted by the reality that Ana's old boss seems to be going after them. The two go back to their normal lives, but now married some new conflicts arise. Then some other stuff happens, they have sex a lot, and then it's over.
     Listen, I said it earlier and I'll say it again, this isn't a good movie. No need to beat around the bush, I'll just go ahead and say "Fifty Shades Freed" is a bad movie and if you wanted to know my overall opinion it is just that. Now, on to the actual review. I feel like I should go ahead and get the positive things out of the way first. This movie is certainly a step up from its predecessor. The second film in the series was "Fifty Shades Darker," a film I absolutely despised and even ranked it as the worst movie of 2017. "Freed" is certainly better. The main reason is that the story is at least coherent; as convoluted and boring as the plot of this movie is, you can actually follow what happens. And unlike "Darker," they didn't completely fill it with nonsense side-plots you don't care about. Also, there were actually a few jokes in this movie that gave me a decent chuckle; so that's nice. Now with the good out of the way, let's talk about everything else. To call this screenplay poorly written doesn't really do it justice. As I already said, the plot is so boring and convoluted that little makes sense but you don't even care. Like its predecessors the dialog is always cringy, and it's delivered with no passion from uninspired actors giving terrible performances as characters that are unlikable and uninteresting. I don't blame them that much though, it helps that the film's direction seems non-existent, with no idea in what it wants to be. But if I had to choose the one area that this movie fails completely, it would be with sex. For what are supposed to be erotic movies, these films have always been rather unsexy. It's such played up, romanticized sex with BDSM elements thrown in but there's no real weight behind it. Maybe because the actors have no chemistry, the direction, or that the woman who wrote the books can't write sex (or anything else but that's beside the point). It's just that when you have a movie that literally revolves around sex, you really need to get that element about it right. "Fifty Shades Freed" is not a good movie. It's boring, bland, and every other negative adjective in the book. I could go deeper, similar to what I did with its predecessor regarding its unmemorable music or cinematography, but you get the basic gist by this point. It's not the worst film I've ever seen, or even the worst installment in its franchise, but hopefully I'll never have to see it again. But there is one more pro I forgot to mention; with the conclusion of this movie, the "Fifty Shades" series is officially over. And that's something we can all get behind.

Pros: A step-up from its predecessor, a few jokes gave me chuckle, coherent story, ending the franchise.
Cons: Non-existent direction, uninspired actors with no chemistry, terrible performances, poorly written screenplay, cringy dialog, lead characters are unlikable and uninteresting, not sexy, convoluted and boring story.

1/5 Stars