Sunday, November 5, 2017

5 Worst Movies Since Starting My Blog

Honorable Mentions: Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2, The Counselor, Smosh: The Movie, Divergent, Insurgent, Alegiant, Dirty Grandpa, The Starving Games, Norm of the North, A Haunted House 2, Fifty Shades of Black.
Note: To qualify for this list, a movie must have had a theatrical release since my first blog post (November 9, 2012).

Runner-Up: The Hungover Games
Since starting my blog the one film that has had more spoof movies based off of it than any other would have to be "The Hunger Games." Based off the wildly successful young adult book series "The Hunger Games" managed to become a cultural phenomenon. With so much success, it was obvious parody movies were coming (unfortunately none of them were good). One that was particularly bad would be "The Hungover Games," which is centered mostly around "The Hunger Games" and "The Hangover" (considering "The Hangover" wasn't very relevant for years makes me wonder why it was such a big influence but that's beside the point). This movie plays out how you think it would, a couple guys get black out drunk and accidentally enter the Hunger Games tournament and have to survive, and craziness follows. The one job that a comedy needs to accomplish is to be funny; "The Hungover Games" was not. It is insultingly bad from beginning to end, and absolutely deserves a spot on this list. When the highlight of your movie is having moderately attractive pornstars play minor characters that get naked for some reason, you've made bad decisions.
5. Fifty Shades Darker
A few years back a movie titled "Fifty Shades of Grey" was released based off the erotic romance novel of the same. Like its source material, the movie was a financial success but critically panned. When I saw it I thought it was pretty damn bad, and one of the worst movies of the year; that being said, I will defend it to a certain extent. While terrible, I feel like the director really tried to salvage the film and make it work, even though the source material was awful. So while not good, they put in some effort. I didn't even feel that with "Fifty Shades Darker." The movie takes place not to long after its predecessor, in which the two leads broke up at the end of the movie. But after the passing of time Christian Grey once again goes after his beloved Anastasia, and they come to an arrangement that works. Then there some stuff about stalkers and a lot of other dumb side stories, then it's over. "Fifty Shades of Grey" was bad, "Fifty Shades Darker" is abysmal. Everything about this movie feels phoned in, I truly believe that they didn't even try. Terrible writing, acting, directing, cinematography, production value, and sound track results in what has been the worst movie I've seen in 2017.
4. The Internship Games
I'm not sure if this qualifies as a real movie, all I know is that it sucks and I hate it. The second "Hunger Games" parody to appear on this list, this one is undoubtedly the worst. I first heard of this movie through the grapevine, I forget where exactly but I believe it was on a forum where someone called this one of the worst movies they'd ever seen. So I gave it a watch and they were not wrong. "The Internship Games" takes place at a small office looking to hire an intern, the boss decides she wants the intern from her old university (an all black college), so she brings in several candidates and will chose the winner by modeling it after "The Hunger Games" (which they directly reference). Amazingly, it is less interesting than that because instead of fighting to the death the interns just vote who won't get the job. On top of being remarkably unfunny, poorly shot, and terribly written, this movie does something rather impressive; it manages to be incredibly racist. Every character in this movie is a caricature of a person from a certain country, ethnicity, or background. Each of the potential interns is a type of black stereotype (the hood-rat, the rich black kid who hates other black kids, the black guy from Africa who people make fun of, etc.), except for one girl who is white and is only there to be used for awkward racial tension and as a punching bag. But the movie has the audacity to end on a monologue on how racism is bad and that minorities have been given a bad shake in America. It undercuts its own message by being one long stereotype. This movie is abysmal, and certainly one of the worst I've ever seen.
3. Nine Lives
"Nine Lives" could have been a decent movie. It had a solid cast (including Oscar winner Kevin Spacey), an experienced director, and a budget of around $30 million. But in reality, the final result is insultingly bad. "Nine Lives" is a kids movie that not only insults the parents that are dragged into the theater, but the children it was marketed towards. The basic plot of the movie is that a businessman who neglects his family is being punished by an old man who puts his soul into the body of a cat until he learns his lesson. It's pretty much like the "Shaggy Dog," except unlike that movie this one has no redeemable qualities. Every actor phones it in, the special effects are laughably bad, the writing is cringe worthy and unfunny, and by the end of the film I was just glad that it was over. There's nothing good about "Nine Lives," and take my advice in that you should never watch it.
2. Inappropriate Comedy
Much like "the Internship Games," this barely counts as a real movie; but I will call it one since it actually includes notable actors (including Oscar winner Adrien Brody). To be honest I don't actually remember this movie very well, since I've tried my best to block it from my memories, but I'll try and explain it. The movie is a type of anthology, made up of a bunch of sketches mean to be outrageous and bring shock value. What makes this film even semi-notable is how it came about. Directed by Vince Offer, it is the spiritual successor to his 1999 movie "The Underground Comedy Movie" (which was shot in a similar style and is equally as terrible). Now if the name Vince Offer sounds familiar, he is best known as Vince the Shamwow guy, an infomercial presenter noted for his enthusiasm as well as going to jail for beating up a hooker. But back to the movie, it is truly horrendous. There is no redeemable factor of this movie, from start to finish it is just plain bad; and you can make a strong argument that it should take the number one spot on this list. But in reality, there is one movie that upset me even more.
1. Movie 43
Since I've started writing for this blog I have seen many movies, and early on in my career I would see most of those in theaters, including the bad ones; but over the years my tolerance for bad movies has diminished, and I rarely see them in the theater anymore. In case you were wondering, it all started with this "film." "Movie 43" is a sketch comedy movie that involves an aspiring screen writer attempt to sell his scrip to a producer. The movie shows off these scenes as well as the sketches from the script, each one a different scenario with different characters. When first announced, many were excited for "Movie 43," with the big selling point being the 43 big name actors attached to it. But when it came out, it was quickly panned as one of the worst movies of all time; and the worst part of the movie is that it knows it's terrible. The overarching plot of the movie is the writer trying to sell his script, but every time he explains a sketch the producer calls it terrible. Towards the end the producer agrees to make the movie, and says that it will be this century's "Howard the Duck" (one of the worst movies ever). So the movie just openly admitted that the sketches are absolutely terrible, and then proceeds to make you watch them. It's just slapping the audience in the face with its dick the entire time. This is the only movie I can remember walking out of the theater, being physically angry that I spent money and time to see it. Unfunny, uncreative, and insulting to anyone who calls themselves a movie fan; "Movie 43" is one of the worst movies ever made, and certainly the worst since I started this blog.

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